And then I heard about Rock N’ Roll Fantasy Band Camp. Quite possibly the coolest thing anything ever. You become a real live Rockstar with real live Rockstars all around you. It doesn’t matter whether you know how to play an instrument or not – they’ll teach you. For Five days and five nights you eat, sleep and breathe rock n’ roll.

You start in a small group, your band, and are actually given a celebrity counselor who stays with you for the duration of band camp. (I hope I don’t get stuck with Scott Ian. I know him and would be totally embarrassed to belt out “The Sound of Music” as my audition material.)

Your celebrity counselor then works with you to write an original song. I don’t know how that works because I don’t know how to write a song. I wrote a song once on my dad’s old electronic keyboard and he saved it and swore it was the best song he’d ever heard. Which is a father’s job to say. But it was sort of an Oom paa paa song – more like something you’d hear in a ballet class; definitely not the rock star material we’d be required to write.

Next we’d need to learn to play our song. Since I don’t play any instruments, and my last attempt at learning the guitar was dismal, I’m guessing I’d sing. Hopefully backup so I couldn’t mess up our act. My boyfriend when I was 16 years tried and tried and tried to teach me to play the guitar. I kept telling him my hands were too small. But with all the tiny girls out there who play the guitar I’m guessing that was a cop out. I just sucked.

After learning our song, we have to perform it live on stage to a sold out audience at a major rock venue. And there are Rockstars in the audience. Okay, that’s a little much for 5 day’s work. I mean, we rehearsed The Sound of Music for a month and a half before going live.

So as I think about it – we probably spend the first two days just learning our instruments, and at least a day writing our song, so what, two days to rehearse? That doesn’t seem like a very long time. I mean I want to be a Rockstar, but not one who sucks.  What if we walk out on stage and forget our song?  Band Camp is blown and we go home all alone because our band has broken up after only five sad days. 

Well I’m guessing that somehow this doesn’t happen.  That in some way it’s GUARANTEED not to happen, because for $8000 Rockstars, I mean customers, have to leave happy. Otherwise Fantasy Band Camp would be out of business pretty fast. Sadly I don’t have the eight grand to spend to become the Rockstar I dream of. But I’m saving up, because I am going to be Rockstar – even if I’m an aging 40 year old wannabe by the time it happens.

First things first: It was a rare occasion this week, but Britney actually had custody of her children. One would think she would take advantage of that time and do something special – take them to the park, take them on a walk, KEEP THEM IN THE HOUSE AND PLAY WITH THEM WHERE NO PAPARAZZI ARE AROUND! But no, Britney has to do things her way. And her way, these days, is the craziest, most mixed up, turned around, ass backwards way possible.

So she’s driving along with her kids in the car and she thinks, “Hmmm… there’s something I need to stop and get.” At the top of most mothers’ lists would be: milk, diapers, baby wipes… But Britney quickly stops the car, jumps out – leaving the kids inside with the court appointed car monitor as babysitter – and runs inside a store to shop for what? A chandelier?!? Of course. The track lighting in her house was just too much to bear any longer. A true lighting emergency. I feel for her. I know what your skin can look like under harsh white incandescent light. Really judge, it was as urgent as all that.

She then proceeded to get back into the car, kids safe and sound (good babysitter) and start the car back up again. Now we all know that K-Fed’s lawyer, Mark Vincent Kaplan has tried to get the judge to disallow Britney from driving with the kids (remember she ran over someone’s feet – twice!). So she’s driving along, probably singing to herself, not paying much attention to anything because that’s what she does. Then oops, she does it again. A little boo boo. She runs a red light at one of LA’s photo-trap intersections with her kids in the back seat. So not only does the court monitor in her car catch it, but the City of LA has it on camera too.

But does it really matter? Every move that Britney makes is documented by the paparazzi that seem to be tipped off to her every step (does Britney call the photogs?). So what’s it to her that two more cameras have evidence of her boo boos. It’d all show up in court anyway.

Second: Paris Hilton has taken to charity. On Larry King Live in June she said, “I have a platform where I can raise awareness for so many great causes,” but I didn’t believe her. Low and behold she’s proved me wrong. And in a very large way.

Paris is trying to raise global consciousness about the plight of drunken elephants in India. Apparently elephants are given rice beer which gets them very drunk and then causes much danger to themselves and the surrounding communities.

Recently, six elephants died while drunkenly storming an electric fence. Paris says, and I quote “There would have been more casualties but the villagers chased them away – and 4 elephants died in a similar way 3 years ago. It’s just so sad. The biggest problems are in Assam and Meghalaya. The elephants get drunk there all the time. It is getting really dangerous. We need to stop making alcohol available to them.”

Well Paris, think about this: an elephant would have to drink 10 litres of rice beer, no water and not metabolize any of it in order to actually get drunk. Now imagine this happening to herds of elephants all the time. The Indian rivers would have to be flowing with sake. But it’s nice that you bought into an urban myth. Reminds us all why you’re on The Simple Life to begin with.

Really, he looks more like a painting than a person. And somehow Ebony Magazine is convinced that he’s still the King of Pop. They are offering readers “a rare glimpse into the world of the internationally recognized icon.” But isn’t that world really in another country? Because isn’t this the same icon who fled the United States after his little run-in with the law? Harriette Cole, who wrote the article, said in a Today Show interview, “He came across really as kind of normal.” And I have to admit here that I flat out stole this from perezhilton.com, but does this look normal?

You can’t convince me that that this man is normal.

I’m not prejudiced. I don’t have a problem with people who are scarred or disfigured in any way. But he has eyeliner tattooed around his eyes. Part of his nose is missing due to plastic surgery. His lips don’t even look like lips; they look like Courtney Love after a concert.

Harriette continues, “A few days ago when we were with him, he was with his youngest son. They call him ‘Blanket’ — he’s 5 years old.” Oh, of course, that’s normal. What a cute nickname for a five-year old. Blanket. There’s nothing cute, sweet or endearing about that. Blanket. It’s an object. My niece Maddie – she’s the Madster, or Mads – some normal incarnation of her name. But blanket? I might as well call Maddie “pillow.” Trying to convince me that Michael Jackson is normal because he calls his son “blanket” is a very weak case.

Harriette goes on to quote Michael in the interview as saying, “Let’s face it, who wants mortality?” Okay, now I’m convinced he’s not normal. I dunno. I kind of don’t want to live forever. Not if it means sleeping in a hyperbolic oxygen chamber. Or living in a petting zoo. Or molesting little boys because you can’t face the fact that you might get old.

It’s been 25 years since his album Thriller was released. I remember my best friend Amy had the leather glove and the unauthorized biography. I was obsessed with the picture of John Lennon and Yoko Ono – the one where John is curled up naked in the fetal position next to her. I guess I just never got into that Michael Jackson craze.

Now Janet was a different story. But that was because of Paula Abdul. I was a dancer and Paula’s choreography was the shit. And when she went solo and stopped choreographing for others it was her that I stayed loyal to – even through the rumors that she was lip-synching.

I’m glad that I stayed with Paula, even if she is a pushover on American Idol. At least I didn’t get stuck in the world Ebony is living in – a world of hero-worshipping a man who hangs his baby out the window of a hotel balcony. Ebony is trying to resurrect Michael Jackson’s stardom by celebrating the twenty-fifth anniversary of the release of Thriller. He does have an amazing collection of work. It’s too bad that he also has a collection of neuroses that make him an unfit role model for anyone to look up to.

Lifecasting is living vicariously through someone. Watching that person’s life pass moment by moment and having the ability to give input by sending online messages. Whether it’s the first morning yawn or the last goodnight kiss – lifecasting gives you everything. And then it gives you a say. “Yawn again.” One more yawn. “Now walk to your bathroom.” She doesn’t move. Well it doesn’t always work. But it’s a whole lot more interactive than what’s come before. Lifecasting adds the key element of interactive communication.

Oh, and did I mention mobility? You move through the day with your “lifecaster” as he or she wears portable electronic devices that let you come along for the ride. This has allowed lifecasters to take us to amazing places like Japan, Ground Zero, New York Fashion Week, and the Halo 3 Launch. Lifecasters have traveled across America, launched music careers and developed new technology for, what, other than, lifecasting.

But lifecasting has become “a craze.” And just as Justin Kan, the founder of Justin.tv, wanted it, his big rollout has made lifecasting as mainstream as MTV. Meaning the forum is now overwrought with players. Yes, we still have some lifecasters who are doing interesting things – but how do you find them amidst the 3200 broadcasting accounts on Justin.tv. Anyone with a computer, webcam, microphone, and internet connection can lifecast. But do we want to watch just anyone? Where is the filter?

There is no filter. And that’s why we get stuck reading the messages of awful oglers who use the chat rooms to spout useless crap, or fill the forums with debates about whether the lifecaster is paying attention or not – things that are completely boring and useless and bring nothing to the table. And because there’s no filter, the people we end up watching, the people whose lives we’re supposed to be living vicariously through… well, quite frankly, they’re boring. I’m tired of being a girl sitting at a table staring at a computer screen. Or being a guy talking to the camera about music.

So what was, in the beginning, a fascinating way of playing puppetmaster, is now a truly awful spectacle of Generation Y laziness. We watch people sit around and do nothing.

Now that lifecasting has gone mainstream, now that every Tom, Dick or Harry can hook up to his computer and broadcast live while watching the news, will lifecasting last? Of course it will. Any method of connecting people has staying power. People like to bond with one another. Whether it be vicariously, voyeuristically or vociferously. Whichever the case people want people. They want to see them. They want to talk to them. They want to write to them. They want to connect with them. They want to feel like they are with them. I would only hope that we can figure out a way for the cream to rise to the top as it would be beneficial if the kind of people we choose to bond over would be better role models than the ones that we’re currently watching.

My friend Michelle was Britney obsessed. She thought she was soooo hot. And she even loved her music in that sort of pop obsessed way. The same way that my friend Jordan who is from London was obsessed with The Spice Girls.But that was more of an identity thing. You’re in the U.S. and a British pop all girl group makes it HUGE and you have to buy into the awesomeness of it. You have to get the track pants with “Spice Girls” down the side.

At the time I was an assistant in Hollywood and I remember my boss had to take his nine year old daughter to a Spice Girls concert. If you knew my boss you would understand the humor of him standing amid thousands of screaming young girls.

What’s really interesting is how Posh Spice has emerged as a true celebrity and even a fashion icon. Well, not on her own… I mean Becks certainly played a big role in that.

But what’s even more interesting is that Scary Spice is making a comeback. She’s on DANCING WITH THE STARS. And she’s GOOD. I told you that I can’t give you a thumbs up or down on the show yet, but on the episode that I did catch Scary was a remarkable dancer.

Now to come full circle in a rather scary (not spice) way, the boss that I worked for who had to go to the Spice Girls concert was the founding partner of a company for which Samantha Harris worked – she’s co-host of DANCING WITH THE STARS, though she’s on maternity leave right now. I was an assistant and she worked in the accounting department. Weird, huh? Now I own a clothing store and she co-hosts E! News Daily and DANCING WITH THE STARS.

So wanna get even stranger? Drew Lachey won DANCING WITH THE STARS last season. Well he and I went to school together for 4th – 10th grade together. You might think it not so strange if we went to school in Los Angeles, but we didn’t. We went to school together in Cincinnati, Ohio. And since I went to school with Drew, I also went to school with Nick Lachey. Meaning I’m connected a la Kevin Bacon to another young pop star Jessica Simpson. Now she’s dropped off the radar since the divorce. But I have to admit, I was addicted to THE NEWLYWEDS.

Which brings us to the follow-up show: TILL DEATH DO US PART. Remember when Carmen and Dave were still an item? Well the coincidence there is that I also went to high school with Carmen Electra (aka Tara Patrick). So back to back MTV shows about celebrity marriages that ended in divorce featured celebs that grew up and went to school with me in Cincinnati, Ohio. Now that’s a strange coincidence.

Which brings me to the next, albeit far fetched, coincidence. Dave Navarro (Carmen’s ex) was obviously in The Red Hot Chili Peppers for a minute with Anthony Kiedis. And I had another boss at one point who was best friends with Anthony. So today I’m standing on the sidewalk in Beverly Hills waiting for my car and I’m being accosted by a homeless man (I gave him $1 and he had the nerve to say, “can’t you give me $20 or $40? I got a $100 from another lady over on Beverly) and I was feeling very uncomfortable when Anthony came walking down the street giving me the perfect excuse to turn away from the homeless man and say hi to Anthony.

From Britney Spears to Anthony Kiedis. Hmmm…. I guess that’s what you get when you’re under the gun.

Jenna wrote a book, you know. It’s called ANA’S STORY, the true story of a 17-year-old mother living with HIV. I wish I had known about it sooner as I would have read it before the interview. I’m dying to find out how she relates to Ana’s nightmare, what with her security detail and her previous impertinence to the law…

Jenna actually had the audacity to tell USA Today that she envisions her teen-single-mother-with-AIDS book as “hopefully” having the same influence as Anne Frank’s THE DIARY OF ANNE FRANK. She compares her book and its topic to two books on the Holocaust, Lois Lowry’s novel NUMBER THE STARS and Frank’s. She even named her single-teen-mother-with-AIDS heroine Ana, a Latino version of Anne. It’s quite a stretch. But then again, she’s Bush’s daughter.

These days Jenna is an elementary school teacher and claims that her partying days are behind her. We all remember those, right?

Jenna nabbed for being in possession of alcohol, Jenna nabbed for using a false ID in an attempt to buy alcohol. Ahhh, those were the good ole’ days.Yes, well, now she’s all grown up, partying days behind her (is that because of probation or a deliberate attempt to dry out?), teaching elementary school and writing a book. Oh, and she went to work for UNICEF in FOUR different Latin American and Caribbean countries where she documented the lives of children living in extreme poverty – it must’ve been a tough 6 months. I wonder where she stayed? The Grand Hyatt? The El Presidente? I mean when you have Secret Service Agents around you at all times you can’t just bed down in a hut.

Anyway, in a sneak peak at Sawyer’s interview, Sawyer pressed her on the issue of Iraq, saying that some people like Matt Damon argue that the Bush daughters should be fighting over in Iraq.

Jenna tried to dodge the issue, but finally gave the following response: I think there are many ways to serve your country. I think if people really thought about it, they know that we would put many people in danger. But I understand the point of it. I hope that I serve by being a teacher.

IF PEOPLE REALLY THOUGHT ABOUT IT, THEY KNOW THAT WE WOULD PUT MANY PEOPLE IN DANGER. BUT I UNDERSTAND THE POINT OF IT.

Now is it just me, or did his daughter just spout a Bush-ism. What on earth is she trying to say? Yes, let’s put people in danger, many of them, because now that I think about it – that’s the point. More people in more danger. Let’s go. Line ‘em up. Jenna gets it so here they go.

I think that’s why we call her the blonde one. I love Bush-isms. But now we have Jenna on a press tour. And guess what? Jenn-isms… What more could one ask for?

Surprise: I actually made it back in time. No flight delays, no oversleeping, no deliberate delays of my flight. So I actually went to the doctor since I was back in time.

Why exactly would I schedule my life around a doctor’s appointment? Well, it’s rather hard to get an appointment with him. And I’ve had a bit of a stomach problem lately, so I wanted to see him as stomach problems = yuck yuck yuck.

So after my doctor’s appointment, having nothing to do since the store wasn’t open yet, but being wide awake, I snuck home and started watching my Tivo. It’s premier week and I didn’t want to miss anything, and I suppose I’ll tell you now, I’m a self proclaimed TV Junkie.

So the only premier that had been recorded at that point was COLD CASE. Very intense. I’m a big COLD CASE fan, but it’s one of those shows that falls into the category “watch when you have nothing else to watch and don’t want to do anything.” That category means: it’s 8 o’clock in the morning and I don’t feel like getting out of bed and I watch CNN 24 hours a day and I’ve already heard their round of news for the morning so I need something to watch and COLD CASE was recorded last night while something else was simultaneously being recorded that I was watching so I’ll watch it now.

WITHOUT A TRACE also falls into that category. Mainly because it’s on all the time.

After spending the day at the store I had to do the usual: stop by The Coffee Bean for a medium vanilla latte with an extra shot (that’s a triple), quickly get my hair washed (I don’t like to wash my hair at home), and run into the grocery store to buy several rotisserie chickens for the dogs (I don’t feed them dog food).

Then I settled in for a night of season premiers: DANCING WITH THE STARS – okay it’s my first season with the show and I’m giving it a chance. Being an AMERICAN IDOL FAN, and LOVING SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE, I figure I might like STARS. It was enjoyable. Can’t say I’m thoroughly drawn in. I need to give it another couple episodes to see.

Next it was the season premiere of THE BACHELOR. Okay, it never gets good until episode four or five. I fast forwarded through most of the episode because it was just meeting all of the girls. It’s so boring watching each one getting out of the car and just saying hello.

Finally came HEROES, the show I’d been waiting all summer to see. It was a set up show. I get that. The show is so complex that they had to explain it for any first time viewers and go back over everything for anyone who might have forgotten. So it wasn’t THE most exciting first episode of the season. But it wasn’t bad.

That means I got to bed around 11pm PST. So that made it, what, a 22 hour day? That’s a long day.

And now I’m up again at 8am. I’d like to be sleeping. But I’m on New York time. Curses.