Kim Jong Il

I told you I’d write about him. Though it’ll have to be brief as I have to be out the door on my way to the airport in less than an hour and I haven’t packed. But I’ve taken care of the dogs and the dog sitter, so this time I’m ahead of the curve. I’m fascinated by Kim Jong Il, the bizarre little man that he is… little being the definitive word, as he is displeased with his diminutive (5′ 3″) stature, and wears 4 inch lifts in his shoes and has a buoyant (permed) bouffant in order to appear taller. North Korea’s “official” statements declares that Kim was born in a log cabin on February 16, 1942 at 6 o’clock in the morning on Mount Paektu, the highest mountain peak in all of North Korea.

Apparently there were flashes of lightning and thunder, the iceberg in a nearby pond emitted a mysterious sound as it broke, and a bright double rainbow rose up outside. A luminescent star then appeared in the sky and a swallow descended from heaven to herald the birth of a “general who will rule all the world.” A soldier in the army commanded by the Dear Leader’s father, the Great Leader, saw the star and the rainbow and rejoiced, carving a message into a nearby tree: “Oh, Korea, I announce the birth of the Star of Paektu.”

Really he was born in Russia.

At this point I must tell you that over the last decade he has let more than a million people starve to death while he has spent billions on absolute absurdities. Which is part of what makes him fascinating, definitely what makes him revolting, and exactly what makes him one of the strangest people around.At this point

I also must tell you that as I write I fear for my life as Kim has recently proclaimed himself an “internet expert.” And what with the power of North Korea’s “piped-through-China” with no official domain suffix internet, and the strength of North Korea’s generator based energy program now that nuclear is off the table, I feel that, given Kim’s expertise, he could spot me on the net like a pig with truffles and if he disapproves - I’m working the fields for contemptuous blogging. Just like that.And let me illustrate. Below. A Picture of North Korea and of South Korea. Both at night. Both are ALIVE with activity. One happens to be using electricity and the internet. One isn’t. Kim lives in the one that isn’t. Hmmm…..

Nkorea

NEW TOPIC

Kim is terrified of flying so he travels by armored train to Russia and China. Though in 1996 it is rumored that he MAY have taken the only flight of his life, from Pyongyang to Shanghai. I’d just like to throw in here a little known fact: Kim owns six villas in Europe. He can’t get to them by armored train.

The BBC reported that Konstantin Pulikovsky, a Russian emissary who traveled by train across Russia with Kim, told reporters that Kim had live lobsters air-lifted to the train daily, and that he ate them with silver chopsticks - historically used in the Chinese Imperial Palace in the belief that they would detect poison.

Yes Kim is notoriously paranoid and even travels with two impersonators. It is thought that the impersonators had plastic surgery to look more like Kim. The impersonators are used to throw publicity hounds (Kim! Kim! Over here! Over here!) and wrongdoers off the track. They all wear the jumpsuits, the Elvis glasses, the pompadours….

Kim is a big fan of luxury cars and spent over $20,000,000 last year importing 20 new Mercedes Benz S500 luxury sedans to add to North Korea’s already existing stockpile of 7000 Mercedes. Wait, I’m sorry, I said “North Korea’s” stockpile. I meant Kim Jong Il’s stockpile, as I’m doubting you see many Mercedes S500′S tooling around Pyongyang. But the ones you do see, the ones he allows his staff to drive, have license plates with Kim’s birthday on them. Nice touch.

He is also a film buff with a collection of more than 20,000 video tapes (not dvds?). In an effort to prove his love for the cinema, he had South Korean film director Shin Sang-ok and his actress wife Chie Eun-hui kidnapped in order to help build the North Korean film industry. He ordered them to remake GODZILLA. Yup. I give him mad props for his dedication and for living his love. Kidnapping? He had to prove his love for the cinema…

Oh, and my personal favorite, Kim is Hennessy Coganc’s single largest customer. He purchases approximately $700,000.00 worth of cognac yearly - more than any other single customer in the world. No wonder he thinks he was born under a double rainbow. He’s always drunk.

I’m always curious, why do people sell to him? He’s a crazy lunatic dictator of a communist country who spends millions of dollars on himself while his country is dying around him - not to mention he regularly tests nuclear missiles! Mercedes, Hennessy, why? I just don’t get it. Do they need the sales that badly? Why does this guy get whatever he wants?

I think maybe it’s the jumpsuits. I wonder how many he has.