The Washington DC Commission on Selection and Tenure of Judges has voted not to reappoint Judge Roy Pearson. Why? Well, I gotta say it – because he’s an ass.

Mr. Pearson sued his dry cleaners for $54 million dollars because they lost his pants. He claimed that their sign, reading “satisfaction guaranteed,” was egregiously misleading.  He thought that for each day his pants were “missing,” and the “satisfaction guaranteed” sign remained hanging, he deserved $1500 (somehow District of Columbia consumer protection laws led him to believe this fair).  In addition, he wanted the same amount of money daily for being mislead by the “same day service” sign.  Then he just tacked on another million dollars or so for emotional damages and legal fees… and he represented himself, so the legal fees were just another way of padding his pockets.

For my own clarity, as I’m a bit confused: If Mr. Pearson (who referred to himself as “we” during the trial – I love that “we”) had to pay $542,000 in legal fees and he was representing himself, then doesn’t that mean that he has already been paid?

Nayway, moving on, Jin and Soo Chung, the owners of the dry cleaners, had dealt with Pearson a few years earlier when they had lost a different pair of his pants. At that time he was compensated for the missing pants and was asked to discontinue his patronage of their establishment. Unfortunately, he remained a customer. So when this new pair of pants went missing, he was similarly offered compensation. At first Pearson demanded $1,150 for an entirely new suit.  I suppose this is understandable – one ought not wear a mismatching suit. But they didn’t think they should have to buy a whole new suit. And things escalated. Low blows turned to legal woes.  And Pearson turned into an ass.

At this point Pearson announced that he was suing for $54 million, so the Chungs started making offers.  First they offered him $3,000, then $4,600, then $12,000. In my opinion, $12,000 for a pair of pants is well worth it and I’d have settled right then and there.  But not Pearson.  Smelling the blood in the water, Pearson decided to milk the wealthy dry-clean barons for everything they had… plus fifty million or so.

By the time the case actually made it to court it was obvious that this was about more than just Pearson’s pants. Why you ask? Well one very large clue came in the form of Mrs Chung’s courtroom revelation that a week after Pearson dropped off his pants, Mrs Chung found them. The receipt tag on the pants that she tried to return to “his honor” exactly matched the receipt he held to pick them up.  So what was the case about?  Customer satisfaction of course, because isn’t the customer always right? And the guarantee of same day service obviously not being met!  Horrors!

It appears that the only person who didn’t see the lawsuit as an absurd abuse of our legal system was (former) Judge Roy Pearson. During his hour and a half testimony (where, I’d like to imagine he asked himself hard hitting questions a la Jack Nicholson a la A Few Good Men answering la Tom Cruise in A Few Good Men), “You want your pants?” Pearson asks, “I thin I’m entitled,” answers Pearson.  “You want your pants?” asks Pearson,  “I want the truth,” answers Pearson.  “You can’t handle the truth!” answers Pearson, “They’re GONE!”

Needless to say, Pearson lost the suit.  Court costs were awarded to the Chungs.  The Chungs then considered a counter suit for $83,000 in order to recover legal fees, but they then dropped the suit after recovering costs through fund-raising and donations.  Pearson, thankfully, was the real loser here.  Besides losing the potential $54 million he stood to gain, he lost his job which had an annual salary of $100,512.

But this whole suit brings me to a philosophical dilemna:  if “the customer is always right,” then what happens if a business guarantees satisfaction and their customer is a ridiculous, anal retentive, ass whose expectations could never possibly be satisfied?

The only answer that I can fathom is this; Pearson pays the legal fees (even though they’ve already been recovered) for the nice Korean couple and he is left with his panties in a bunch for all the world to see.

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