There’s not another place I can think of where the crazy rich would battle it out for prime, combustible property sinking into the ocean. I mean Malibu is the place most likely to burst into flames at any given moment (or be tormented by mudslides) and it is slowly sinking. But then again we’re talking about a place where earthquakes don’t scare people out of bed at night. Unless it’s over 6.0 on the Richter Scale it doesn’t really even cause a stir. This is also the place where deadstop traffic barely deters people from a 40 mile commute to work. I’m talking about traffic that doesn’t move. Think 3 hours to get home at night. And yet I choose to live here. Yes, I choose Los Angeles.

In Los Angeles, when it drizzles outside people can’t drive. It’s as if a flash flood hit the city and everyone forgot they had windshield wipers. Driving becomes a hazardous game of stop and go and stop so fast you almost hit the car in front of you. When it’s sunny outside the traffic is worse because no one can see through the glare of the rays. To put it bluntly, LA drivers are the worst in the world. Every day is a casual Sunday afternoon and mad rush Monday morning combined. It’s because the tourists drive so slowly, they’re looking everywhere but the road – trying to spot celebrities or other roadside attractions, like films being shot, or paparazzi going mad. And the Angelenos are in such a hurry to be everywhere so five minutes ago that they play a mad game of Frogger jumping around the tourists. It makes for schizophrenic traffic that moves at both the rabbit’s hop and the turtle’s pace.

Los Angeles also has a nasty caste system. It doesn’t matter what industry you live in, there’s an upper, middle, lower and of course, a super fancy class. Super fancy is reserved for the celebrities. They have an all access pass. Wherever they go, whatever they do, they’re taken care of like little trust fund babies with silver spoons.

Now one would think the uppers should be similarly treated and generally that is the case. But not always. The uppers always have trouble being taken seriously if a celebrity shows up and trumps them.

The middle class knows they’re in the middle, but desperately want to be on top. So they’ve learned how work it. They know the events, the parties, the hot new clubs. They’re more in the know than anyone (the uppers only go to upper events). They’re the ones who use their bosses’ names to get in the door or make a reservation three weeks in advance to eat at the hot new restaurant. As I said – they work it. And they work hard at it.

But in my opinion, the cool kids are at the bottom. That’s because they don’t care about the nasty caste system. Or they’re not even aware of it to begin with. They hang at the dive bars. They go to Big Wang’s because drinks are $3 and there’s a buffalo wing eating contest. They don’t fight to get in the door of the hottest new club. They don’t need to be “seen” at the “it” party. All of the bogus stuff that Los Angeles is famous for? That’s the stuff that the people at the bottom are blind to (either by choice or by happenstance). I would love to be a proud card carrying member of the bottom ranks, but I’ve lived here too long, learned too much, and quite frankly, met too many people to be able to pull that one off. I’m just not that cool. So I have to look in through the glass door. It’s a sad fact. But I live in limbo, refusing to participate in any other class.

Which brings me to my agenda and the LA Times. I used to hate it.

Since I absolutely deny the fact that I exist within any of the classes described above, I’ve just created my own little world which revolves around politics (or world affairs), health, fashion, family, my twin niece and nephew (just because they’re so damn cute), travel, trends and I know this sounds crazy, but gift buying. Somehow I became obsessed with buying the perfect gift at a very early age (nine – I saved $40 to buy my mom a watch at Spencer’s gifts and she wore it for twenty years) and now it’s become an obsession. As I get older the gifts get more expensive, this is quite a burden. And each year I have to outdo myself with each gift I give someone – it’s absolutely maddening. Anyway, it’s pretty obvious which things are serious and which are whimsical.

NOW it’s time for the LA Times. Imagine today’s newspaper. Think about the front page. What would be there? War in Iraq, Collapse of the Stock Market, Pakistan, Gas Prices, the Presidential Election. All very relevant, important things happening in the world today. Well, take a look at this (and here I have to mention that today is the first day of a Writer’s Guild Strike –in both Hollywood AND New York):

USA Today leads with: Pakistan and Gas Prices. (Writer’s Guild Strike in Life Section)

New York Times leads with: Pakistan and Citigroup Slump. (Writer’s Guild Strike in Business Section)

Washington Times leads with: Pakistan and Presidential Race. (Writer’s Guild Strike in World Section)

Wall Street Journal leads with: Citigroup Slump and Pakistan. (Writer’s Guild Strike in Media & Marketing Section)

Los Angeles Times leads with: Writer’s Guild Strike, and of all bizarre things…. Costa Rica’s Mail, a nation without street signs or numbers tries to sort out a new system???

Now you get it. The LA Times does not report news. But in a city of such strange dimensions, I’ve learned to love the paper for its bizarre reports and inimitable stories.

• BROWSE / IN TIMELINE
• « Kim Jong Il
• » Who is Justin.tv?

• BROWSE / IN L.A.
• « A House on the 101?