I have a new found respect for anyone who has a child. Or children.

I have spent the last 4 days with my niece and nephew.

“Grammy! She’s still working,” Brady screams. “Tee Tee, why? You work a lot.”

“Brady, I always play with you in the morning. And then I work at night.”

“But why? …WHY? I’m gonna get some milk.”

As Brady walks away Maddie is on the approach, “Tee Tee, will you read me a book? Here… I’m gonna sit right here and I’ll just read a “little bit” and then you can read:

There was a big orange splotch. The neighbor got tired of it so he painted his house green, orange, purple. A rainbow! And you’ve got all the jungle and a leash on the crocodile so it doesn’t get away and bite all the neighbors. And then he drinks some lemonade and then he drowns in lemonade. Then his neighbor is a boat, he likes boats.

“I’m going to bed without you! I’m going to bed without you!” Brady screams and Maddie runs to chase him into the bedroom as part of the four B’s: BATH, BRUSH, BOOK, BED.

But beyond that, 7am – 11pm they are on. They are twins. They have each other to get themselves going. They get so wound up that suddenly you’re sword fighting Brady while playing “baby” with Maddie. Maddie insists you sing her self-written lullaby to baby while you’re fending off hits from Brady who is wearing his Batman mask, his white ninja costume, and has his battle ax and helmet while you have a puny sword.

Suddenly Brady decides you’re on a train and locks you into a chair with his sword and Maddie gives you paper to color on. Maddie tells you what to color and Brady tells you what stops are coming up on the train. Your stop arrives and you finish Maddie’s picture.

Maddie wants to read books, but Brady wants to play tag. So a compromise is necessary. Maddie reads me two books then I play tag with Brady until I’m out of breath. Isn’t anyone hungry? I figure that’s an easy one.

“YES!” they reply in unison.

“Well, what do you want?” I ask. No answer. So I fumble through the fridge. “Tuna, yogurt, turkey…?” “I don’t like yogurt,” Maddie said, though she ate it for breakfast. “How about noodles with sauce?” No reply.

“How about brownies and ice cream for lunch?”

“YAY!” they scream in unison. Brownies and ice cream it will be. Brownies and Ben & Jerry’s “Chubby Hubby” to be exact. The ice cream with peanut butter filled pretzels covered in chocolate in malt flavor ice cream swirled with hot fudge and whipped topping. Great for growing bones.

Lunch is over before you know it. What to do next?

“Hey, do you guys want to pedal?”

“Yeah!”

So we go outside and I get their bikes down from the porch and and they start to ride around on the driveway. They can pedal downhill, and can turn to avoid the shed, but Brady can’t quite make it back up the small incline. So I stand mid driveway and give him a push each time he rides past. This holds his attention for another ten minutes. But then because he can’t pedal very well he gets off his bike and wants to play something else. So in order to get Maddie’s attention away from pedaling I suggest we go to the big hill and run down it.

“Tee Tee, I wanna show you how I can run. I can run down the whole thing. And then back. It’s really hard. But I can do it,” says Brady.

“I can do it too,” says Maddie.

So we walk over to the big rock at the top of the hill and both of them go flying down a paved hill at top speed. I wonder about the wisdom of letting two 4 year olds run down a giant paved hill as fast as they can and the possibility of flying face forward and losing teeth, smashing faces, roadrash, all the usual concerns. But nothing happens and they come running back to me at the top of the hill and then go racing down again. After 4 or 5 times I’m certain they’ll be worn out. But No.

“Tee Tee, can we go to the park?”

The park is 3 long blocks away, and of course I haven’t brought any snacks or water. And we’ve been running down the hill for half an hour. As we walk to the park I stop a man to make sure we are going the right direction. He takes a rather long time to explain that the park is now two blocks away and as he speaks I notice that he looks sort of like a pedophile or child molester. As we walk away I have to lecture the children about not talking to strangers and that Tee Tee wasn’t talking to a stranger and not to ask why she was talking to him.

“Tee Tee, I’m thirsty. I want milk,” says Maddie. “No I want water,” says Brady. “I like coffee,” says Brady, “can I have black coffee?”

“Well, I think I’m going to get you water because that’s the best thing to have at the park,” I answer.

I’m met with grim faces. We cross the street at the light, holding hands – the rule – and walk into the grocery store to get our two water bottles. To much delight they’re “adult size” bottles, not mini “kid size” bottles. But the bottles are wet from condensation and my pen won’t write on them which is a very serious situation as everything needs to be noted “Maddie” or “Brady.” Somehow I manage to make a barely visible mark on each bottle, an “M” and a “B,” which proves to be enough for them to know which bottle belongs to whom.

At the park Brady goes wild on the slides and in the climbing hut, but Maddie likes the swings. So I push her and push her and push her.

“Wheee, I’m flying. Like a bird in the sky, lidee diyee dadee dayeee dakee day ompa way, tar kooka woomp, sa doola mon shika dool insal ood. Do you like my song? It’s a flying song.”

“I love your song,” I answer.

A minute later Maddie says, “Aunt Net doesn’t push me this high.”

“Does Pop Pop push you this high?”

“No.”

“Does Grammy Gins push you this high?”

“No.”

“Do your Mommy and Daddy push you this high?

“No. Will you stop? I feel sick.”

One more strike against Tee Tee.

I get Maddie off the swings and Brady comes over from the slides.

“I have to pee pee,” Brady announces. This is an emergency. He can hold it for about 20 – 30 seconds and then the squirming becomes unbearable and he can barely walk. We run to the grocery store across the street and beg to use their bathroom. Once in Brady can use the bathroom himself, but can’t reach the sink to wash his hands. And I can’t hold him up. So I stand him up on the counter, put some soap in his hands and tell him to crouch down to wash his hands. I pray that no one comes in – especially a mother who could cast a nasty glance on my poor hygienic skill.

After the bathroom we decide to walk home. A block into the walk home Maddie decides she’s tired and doesn’t want to walk anymore. So she sits down on the sidewalk and refuses to move. But I can’t carry her. She’s 34lb. So I sit down next her in protest. Brady jumps around playing fake ninja swordfight. Finally Maddie decides we’ve been sitting too long and wants to go. So we all stand up and walk home.

When we get home Maddie and Brady want a snack.

“Brownies?” I ask.

“I guess,” they answer, less enthusiastically than before. So we eat more brownies. Then Maddie wants to read me books and Brady wants to sword fight. He hands me the sword and he takes the battle ax. As Maddie is reading and before I’m able to raise my sword Brady nails me hard on my arm with the battle ax.

“Brady, that hurt. Look at my arm. You left a red mark. You don’t hit people. I want you to go sit down and think about what you did,” I tell him.

He sulks off into the bedroom. I listen to Maddie while I clean up the living room. Grammy Gins is supposed to be home soon. When I’m done cleaning I tell Maddie that I’m going to go talk to Brady.

“Brady, do you know it’s not okay to hit people?”

No response.

“Brady, I’m not mad at you, I just want you to know that it’s not okay to hit people.”

No response.

“Brady, do you know how much I love you?”

No response.

“I love you soooo much. I might do things different than your Mommy and Daddy, or different than Grammy Gins. But I just wanted you to think about the fact that you hit me and that it’s not okay to hit people. So will you come out to play with us now?”

“No.”

“Will you sit next to me and tell me why?”

“No.”

“Will you come out and talk to your sister and tell her why?”

“No. I’m never leaving this room. I don’t love you.”

He buries his head under a pillow and wiggles under the covers. It’s obvious I’m getting nowhere with him. So I leave the room and go to read books with Maddie.

“Maddie, do you know why Brady is mad?”

Maddie walks into the room.

“Brady, why are you mad?”

No answer.

“I don’t know. Okay, I’m going to read you this book.” The book is written in Russian.

“Okay. The little boy is on a plane but the plane is smaller than him so he can’t fly then he gets a bigger plane and then there’s some food and he thinks he won’t eat it because his Mommy and Daddy are mad…”

Suddenly we hear some large thumping noises outside.

“I’m scared. That’s a scary noise,” Maddie whispers.

“Maddie, why don’t you go get Brady and we’ll go investigate.”

Maddie goes to get Brady but he’s sound asleep.

“He’s sleeping.”

“Maddie, why don’t you wake him up and we’ll go find out what those noises were.”

“I CAN’T wake him up. He’s SLEEPING.”

So Maddie and I go outside to investigate.

“I’m SCARED. It’s scary!”

“What makes noises like that?” I ask.

“Pop Pop always makes noises like that, but he’s not here. So I’m scared.”

Suddenly out of nowhere, Pop Pop jumps up.

“POP POP!”

“MADDIE.”

I can’t express my relief at this sudden surprise. I had them for 5 hours and fed them ice cream and brownies for lunch, took them on a daringly dangerous run down a paved hill, talked to a strange looking stranger, swung Maddie waaay too high, stood Brady on a counter to wash his hands, gave them a brownie snack, and traumatized Brady to the point that he’d never leave his room or talk to me ever again. I was a disaster.

Then in one fell swoop Pop Pop grabbed Maddie (who couldn’t stop giggling and smiling), walked inside, woke the sleeping Brady, coaxed him out of the room and got both Maddie and Brady into the car for a ride.

As we’re driving Brady pipes up from the backseat, “Tee Tee…”

“Yes Brady?”

“I love you.”

What more could you want from a 4 year old?

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